Jesus I can’t sleep.
I think about keeping a journal everyday.
Mostly to document my dreams.
They’re like long epic movies.
Very intense, and extraordinarily vivid.
I wake up drenched. like i wet the bed or something.
Those damn dreams would make a good book some day.
Drank too much tea earlier.
Thinking and making lists in my mind.
Lists and lists and lists of things
What I could be doing
What I should be doing
What i should have done
Where I thought I would be by now
I thought I would be someone important
My life feels insignificant.
I want to do something that matters
We all want to matter somehow.
I know it's not great writing, but
I’ve listened to the Harry Potter books five times now.
In a row.
I can’t stop wanting to. Every time, I think there’s a way Dobby will survive.
It’s something to keep my mind busy so I don’t spiral into my own “downer” thoughts. Many times I feel I understand the autistic need to repeat things, as a way of focusing, because it's hard for me to focus I get so lost in my own negative thoughts or trying to jump ahead and it's hard to see things there's so much information. I need a better filter. and a faster processor.
I need to stop being a downer. Being a downer makes me feel hopeless, and unmotivated.
I always need others to motivate me. I can’t motivate myself.
Why can’t I motivate myself?
Therapy helped lead me to the conclusion that I don’t think I’m worth the trouble.
But to do something for someone else is rewarding.
Plus it's the old “I need someone to blame” complex. I'm not religious so I need something to project responsibility onto, like: I’m doing this because so-and-so said to, or, I’m doing this because if I don’t so-and-so will be disappointed,
or, I won't do it because people I care about will be sad.
But I feel so tired and I don't want to play anymore.
Ok, I know. Where's the violin, right?
Let’s get it all out now. Let’s take that time, just this once, to be honest.
Let’s make this official.
I blame capitalism. and money.
People think they need shit they don't. Ever desiring, never fulfilled. Trading labor for something that isn't even fucking real. People starving over something that literally doesn't even exist. Fuck it. Don't get me started.
I blame those white people who colonized the world.
Yup, I said it.
You’re either in the club, or you’re not.
You either play the game, or you don’t.
Trouble is, there really is no option beyond the game.
Enough of that.
How about I tell you about myself.
I was born in viet nam. My parents took me (then 3 months old) and my brother (about 1) onto a boat in the early morning, after months of planning, to reach international waters, where, hopefully, we would avoid being robbed murdered or raped by pirates and instead be picked up by some friendly ship that would carry us to another country where we could have a happier ending. We were bona fide boat people.
Imagine a Hollywood film where there is much suffering and crying and desperation. Throw in some unlikely heroics; the moment where the fugitives almost get caught, but through sheer nerve and luck, get away. That’s our story. In a nutshell.
Anyway, fast forward. I started kindergarten at age 5. Jealous of the kids who got to go to pre-school.
Felt very alone. Worst feeling in the world for a little kid. You feel so unsafe, and you feel abandoned like no one gives a shit about you.
All the kids stared but none would talk to me. No one could or would pronounce my name.
I hardly spoke any English. Or Spanish.
The mexican girls were the meanest. They told me i was ugly, and I should go back to china.
The white boys in the class told me to go back to china.
It didn't matter to me as much because I thought white people were better than me.
The white girls in the class complained when the teacher made them play with me.
The one chinese boy everyone left alone because he was a genius and his mom spoke english.
One day I heard the word “amiga,”
So I repeated it.
That day the Mexican girls were nice to me.
My teacher loved me.
I stole things from my teacher: Flash cards. Pens. Erasers. Construction paper. Manila folders.
These things were talismans of organization, authority and officialness.
Stability. that’s what these things were. things white people had.
I longed for the kind of organization and 1950s-style family shit white people did:
Things like having snack packs everyday for recess.
Making your bed, and
actually using the flat sheet.
Changing towels regularly.
Eating dinner together at the same time every day.
Having mom braid your hair.
Having mom read to you.
Having mom help you with your homework.
Having mom talk to other moms.
Being made to clean your room
Being made to brush your teeth
Being taught to floss
Being taught to cook
Being taught to clean
Being taught by your mom to do anything
Boo hoo. Poor me, etc.
So that was kindergarten.
First grade Mrs. Hart started spelling my name out phonetically.
It was still weird. Still so ethnic.
I hated it, and wished my name could be “Tiffany,” or “Jennifer,” or “Melissa.”
I’m thinking about Khang again. I get sad when I think about Khang.
In therapy I have learned to try to let go of the guilt.
But over and over I replay little vignettes in my mind. There are three. Here's one:
Mom took us to Pic n’ Save
Other kids had lunch boxes
We wanted lunch boxes like the other kids
Mom picked out a red plastic one with a cartoon turtle. It wore a back pack. The box had simple cartoon flowers and trees.
It wasn’t “cool.”
I told mom I hated it, and told her I didn't want it.
Khang said no too. He wanted a superhero one from Target.
So mom got him a superhero lunchbox from Target.
Khang got made fun of by other kids for his lunch box.
He was in the 5th grade, and kids were saying lunch boxes were for little kids.
I made fun of him too, to my friends.
I thought I was being tough and cool by potentially hurting him.
Then later that night, as with many nights, I laid in bed, and let my guilt eat at me.
Replaying the film over and over in my mind. Wishing and hoping it would change every time, like Dobby would get rescued this time or something.
He was standing in line in front of the classroom, holding the lunch box awkwardly. It dangled from just one of his fingers, as if by touching it as little as possible he could minimize his association with it.
I can’t get that scene out of my head.
Over the years I’ve wished that I could go back to that moment at Pic’ n’ Save where my mom picked out that lunch box for me.
I would take it, and tell her I really wanted it.
I would use it everyday, and tell everyone my mom picked it out and wasn't it so cute.
I see this episode in my mind at least once a week.
It makes it hard for me to sleep.